I’ve made many friends and enemies over the last 40 years. Most of them are real, but some imaginary. And although my real friends have taught me a lot, I’ve learned even more from my imaginary enemies. I’ll introduce you to some of them here. And I’ll state their real names as they deserve to be recognized and shamelessly berated.
Here they are, five of my worst enemies. Ready your weapons.
1. Complacency Candace
Special Abilities: Cloaking, spellcasting, can annihilate innovation
Stealthy and near-invisible, she can creep up and cast her disenchantment spell on you when you’re comfortable and least expecting it. She will conjure hallucinations of safety and security, looping your remarkable achievements in a slide show to the soaring vocals of Tina Turner: “You’re simply the best!” Complacency Candace may inflate your self-importance by praising the experience you’ve accumulated over an impressively long tenure and assure you that your employer has carefully taken note of your loyalty and vast knowledge of the company’s inner workings. She will smother you with reassurance and corner you into stasis before casting her final spell, apathia, a fatal dose of apathy. Left without purpose, fearful of change, and devoid of passion or the inner fortitude to seek new challenges, you will be rendered ineffectual, stale, and expendable.
It was during my ninth year at a tech startup company when I first noticed Complacency Candace at work. I was content in my role and good at my job, but it had been a while since I learned anything new, and I had no plans for my next move at the company. I had reached the end of a chapter, and my days were on repeat. Her hex was starting to take hold of me, slowly numbing my senses while my brain began to atrophy. But I saw her. I managed to step far enough away that I could see myself and Complacency Candace holding her spell on me. I took this moment of clarity to make some decisions and promises to myself.
Do you remember that first week at a new job — super green and naive, but driven, charged with the anticipation of a bright yet unknown future? How can you bring back some of that fire?
Fend off Complacency Candace by looking for ways to put yourself just outside of your comfort zone. Discomfort motivates us to be productive. Push the envelope and seek out new challenges and opportunities to learn. Remember that we’re never fully ready for change. So by putting things off until you feel sufficiently comfortable, you’re inviting Complacency Candace and her bestie, Procrastination Patrick, into your home. Make the move when you’re 70% ready.
Refill your ammo because the next one is ugly.
2. Anxiety Alex
Special Abilities: Soothsayer, fearmonger, hypnotism
Likely my closest enemy, Anxiety Alex comes from the near future and makes frequent visits prophesying grim and inescapable fates. He’s a close cousin of Depression Dennis, who haunts from the past.
Capable of describing future events in remarkable detail with seemingly sensible rationales for why they will unfold, Anxiety Alex will hypnotize you and overwhelm you with panic and worry. He will instill in you the fear of failure, rejection, and the unknown. He may dissuade you from trying something new by telling you tales of time and energy wasted when things don’t pan out as you expect. I would fall prey to these fabricated fallouts, adopting them as my fate, and needlessly experience the pain from misfortunes that may never take place.
I tend to spend a lot of time in the near future. I’m overly goal-oriented, constantly worrying about what’s coming next, enacting what-if scenarios in my head, planning for just-in-case situations, and identifying and managing risks as any good project manager would. This excessive rumination happens to be a delicacy for Anxiety Alex.
What can we do to minimize the suffering? How can we escape his preachings?
Getting enough sleep and exercise brings me back to the present, clears my mind, and resets my perspective so that I can see the big picture again. I can then more easily filter out less impactful considerations. For instance, I can focus on the tasks I have control over while letting the rest play out.
Uncertainty, Anxiety Alex’s fuel of choice, allows fear and tension to thrive. When I feel anxiety coming on and notice him setting up to talk, I spend a moment to figure out if I’m missing something. If I can determine what it is that I don’t know, then it just becomes a matter of investigation. I can do some research or come up with a plan for getting what I need and schedule it in my calendar so that I can forget about it.
Sometimes, I try to fit in as much as possible in the time that I have, precariously spinning several overflowing plates that come crashing down in a spectacular show, Anxiety Alex applauding approvingly in the background. Practicing self-compassion and giving myself a break to do something fun helps to bring me back to reality. Anything completed beyond the must-do items is gravy.
I make an effort not to create opportunities for Anxiety Alex to interject his sermons by regaining perspective, keeping uncertainty levels in check, and just being kind to myself.
Two defeated, three to go.
3. Resentment Rick
Special Abilities: Poison doctor, brews potions, breeds indignation
A relationship killer, homewrecker, and chronic troublemaker, Resentment Rick poisons you, corrupting your image of those close to you. Throughout my marriage, he’s been drip-feeding me toxic concoctions that stir up anger and animosity, clouding my vision, transforming my wife into a monster hellbent on taking advantage of me.
I’m talking about the kind of resentment that builds up and recurs and not the mini bouts of rage triggered by being cut off while driving or a bad customer service experience. That type is delightful, too, and deserves its own post.
Resentment Rick inserts himself between two people, stroking their egos and showcasing to each of them the other’s alleged faults. Keeping a scoreboard that carefully tallies every give and take and providing clear evidence of injustice and how much you’re owed, he cultivates feelings of contempt and indignation that fester and swell into epic battles of the egos.
How do you get such an unwanted guest to leave your home?
The way to squeeze out Resentment Rick is by reframing. Mentally remove yourself from your current circumstances, take a bird’s-eye view of yourself and the person you’re resenting, and formulate a new narrative through the following two methods of perspective-shifting:
1. The Gratitude Serum
Resentment Rick’s specialty is to notice every violation of your rights with hawk-eyed surveillance. By focusing on the negative moments, you get a skewed image of the person and the relationship you have with them. The Gratitude Serum reverses this effect by reminding you of the person’s qualities you find desirable. How do these positive attributes make you feel? Recalling their other traits puts those you are less fond of into perspective and allows you to accept the person as a whole. Let acceptance usher in forgiveness, not just for past infractions but also for those that will come in the future.
Setting aside my wife’s untidiness and feeling gratitude for her contributions to the family in other ways is an effective antidote for Resentment Rick’s poison.
2. The Elixir of Evanescence
This magical elixir melts away the rigid beliefs that have crystallized over the years, letting you surrender your worldview for refinement. I’ve lived my life with the conviction that a certain level of tidiness and cleanliness is “correct.” (Since childhood, I’ve been known to fold or roll my underwear into neat little bundles. I was KonMari-ing before she was even born.) Maybe this is the case for the tribe I was raised in, but my wife comes from another tribe with a different set of values (underwear everywhere). Not putting things away where they belong is not as big a crime for her as it is for me. And not spending as much energy worrying about keeping the home just so lets her focus on other areas in life and makes her less likely to fall victim to Anxiety Alex and Resentment Rick when she and the kids have turned the house upside down. I’ll take two of those elixirs, please.
Try not to think in absolute terms. Allow the elixir to dissolve your firm virtues and open up to the possibility of a well-functioning world that doesn’t prescribe to your specific standards.
We’ve broken through Complacency Candace’s disenchantment, snapped out of Anxiety Alex’s hypnotism, and neutralized Resentment Rick’s poison. Who’s next?
4. Perfectionism Percy
Special Abilities: Wizard, lawmaker, can induce trance of perpetual refinement
A wizard wielding a heavy tome of rules and processes, Perfectionism Percy is quick to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong. Persistently hovering over me, he dispenses shoulds and shouldn’ts in ominous wizard-speak that sounds as solid as the laws of physics themselves. He micromanages every decision I make, verifying against his sacred tome.
I have a long-standing relationship with Perfectionism Percy and show all the signs of being a perfectionist. I’ve been told I’m conscientious, discerning, and particular, which are all just charming ways of saying that I’m anal-retentive, never satisfied, and hard to get along with. I often hold myself and those around me to unrealistically high standards (Did you just change lanes twice without resetting your signal?), and the thought of me making a mistake and being judged can frighten me into paralysis. I’ll check every detail, recheck, and then check again before sending an email. I can’t put in my order until I’ve reviewed the entire menu twice.
I take longer to make decisions than most people. And the more time and effort I invest into making a decision, the stronger the bias I develop toward it, making it harder for me to change it later. This stubbornness leads to the loss of agility and adaptability.
I have a clear image of how the world should be, how people should behave, and which way the roll of toilet paper should face (outward, of course). Too many shoulds! And when something doesn’t happen as it should, my view of the world crumbles a little, causing anxiety and frustration.
Trying to make something perfect can set up daunting objectives that result in discouragement and procrastination.
That’s a lot of handicaps I can do without. I’ve been in negotiations with Perfectionism Percy over several years, and here are some terms on which we’ve agreed.
He can continue to work his magic, but I determine the product and schedule. This way, I can decide what would be “good enough” and set hard limits on his involvement. For instance, I can tell him that I’ll make a decision within the hour or that I’ll only consider three particular options. I can create a list or schedule and have him follow that to perfection, moving his attention from the product to the plan.
There are times, however, when Perfectionism Percy attempts to renegotiate. He would egg me on, telling me that if something can be improved, then why not put in the extra effort to make it as good as it can be. He would insist that we can find the time somehow — I could go for my run tomorrow instead, or I could just go to bed a bit later that night. This is when we would sit down and talk about opportunity cost.
Me: “Hey Perce, nice work gold-plating that PowerPoint slide.”
Perfectionism Percy: “Child’s play, really. A thing of beauty, as I intended, at a level unattainable by mere mortals such as you, boy! Though it could do with a dash of . . .”
Me: “Yeah, thanks. Do you think we can agree that it’s not possible to be perfect at everything?”
Perfectionism Percy: “Certainly so for a mere mortal like you, but for me . . .”
Me: “Right. So if we’re spending three hours perfecting these slides, are you okay with letting my delivery of the presentation suffer?”
Perfectionism Percy: “Nonsense, boy! Now that you have come to your senses, we shall sort this out at once!”
In these circumstances, when I realize he’s exceeding his limit on making something good enough, rather than trying to stop what he’s doing, I distract him with something new to work on instead. If we become aware of other priorities, we’ll have better perspective for deciding how to direct our energy.
Perfectionism can become a problem when our field of view becomes too narrow after concentrating intensely on solving one problem. Although we may have created a masterpiece, when there’s a significant gain in one area, there’s usually a loss in another. With extreme focus, it’s easy to lose sight of other priorities. Maintain a balance between the micro and the macro.
Prolonged concentration is a valuable skill, especially now, when email, social media, and many other apps offering instant gratification can be found right in your pocket or even on your wrist. When coupled with the ability to come up for air once in a while to reassess the bigger picture, this skill makes for a potent combo, capable of achieving high-quality results in the right areas and actually moving the needle.
Perfectionism Percy doesn’t need to be an enemy. Channel the conscientiousness, the meticulousness, and the drive to create great things toward the tasks that deserve the treatment, and he can be a formidable ally.
Now, onto our final foe.
5. Control Connie
Special Abilities: Illusionist, spellcasting, brainwashing
A skilled illusionist, Control Connie grants me the godlike ability to predict future events and influence their outcome and bend the laws of space-time. (My cape is at the cleaners at the moment.) With such power, you could imagine my frustration if, for instance, my phone runs out of battery. How could I have let this happen? Where did I go wrong? Who did this to me? I would watch my phone with disdain as it laughs and turns dark and dies.
Her spell of delusion makes me stubborn, fiercely independent, and averse to being at the mercy of someone or something else whenever possible. I don’t believe in cruise control. Control Connie forbids me from asking for help, reminding me that I would be forfeiting the satisfaction of having done it independently.
For most of my life, I felt that I could be or do anything if I worked hard enough. Although this belief may seem like a motivating value to instill in children, it presumes an over-assumption of control: If I didn’t get what I wanted, then I must not have worked hard enough. And this can give rise to feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Having a vision, taking initiative, finding motivation to work, and risk management are side benefits I’ve enjoyed from being a control freak, but the added anxiety and energy drain began weighing on me as I entered my forties. As my life became increasingly complicated, my need for control also grew. Getting married, having greater responsibility at work, managing home renovations, and raising two young boys have all made it tougher to maintain complete control over every aspect of my life. Life continued to throw curveballs, and I kept responding with systems, processes, and routines to protect my world. It was an exhausting way to live, sustainable only by the gift of youth.
I’ve since recognized the importance of energy management and found peace in not controlling every situation or decision. I noticed that there were usually others who would gladly take on some of the responsibility, freeing me to invest my energy elsewhere for higher returns.
Knowing that I have limited energy, I became more comfortable with compromise and having to prioritize. I gained awareness that, from my perfectionist tendencies, I attached too much importance to every decision. And I accepted that not everything can be perfect and addressed my fear of failure. With Perfectionism Percy and Anxiety Alex out of the way, Control Connie had fewer allies and was left vulnerable. As I reduced my sphere of control and appreciated the value in what I already had, I watched Control Connie fade into the distance.
Great work. We confronted my five worst enemies, found their weaknesses, and overcame their dark magic. But they’re never gone for good, quietly lurking, waiting for an opening to land their next attack. The good news is they’re not too clever. They never learn and always rely on the same tricks, making them predictable. So once you find an effective repellant, it’ll likely work every time.
Final Thoughts
Rounding them up for a group shot, here are my five worst enemies:
- Complacency Candace — Get out of your comfort zone and take action when you’re 70% ready.
- Anxiety Alex — Regain perspective, identify and address uncertainty, and practice self-compassion.
- Resentment Rick — Be grateful for people’s positive qualities and be open to accepting other standards.
- Perfectionism Percy — Set hard limits, start something new, and remember to reassess priorities now and then.
- Control Connie — Be selective in how you spend your energy, delegate the lower-priority items, and find fulfillment in what remains in your control.
I will leave you with one gift. I bestow upon you the aegis of vitality — a legendary shield that will protect you from these five enemies.
Rest, exercise, and good food are the trifecta that powers this shield. Get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and eat well to replenish it after battles. Exercise your brain by talking to people and seeking new challenges and skills to learn.
Maintaining a healthy mind and body will help to keep your foes away, but to make greater strides toward a life with fewer encounters, you’ll need to identify your enemies and confront them.
Who are your worst enemies? How do you handle them? Expose them in the comments below.
Perfectionism Percy: “This post is far too long.”
Me: “Should I cut you out?”
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